AU : Conehead's Guide to Dating
by TheBoganTronian
Summary: Rumble is feeling blue. Fury, the one of his dreams, makes his processes glitch while in her presence & truthfully he has no real skills with wooing. Along comes Dirge, Thrust and Ramjet, said to have a long list of names when it comes to love. They agree to help their comrade but the targets they set for each other may prove to be their undoing: Flamewar, Air Raid & Slipstream.
1. Target Acquired

_A humourous short story about the techniques our lovely coneheads use to woo a bondlove. Story idea coined by myself and Misfit-Kiwi during a banter about why they haven't got girlfriends and the short skits we came up with as to why the ladies steer clear. Everything cannon in here is how I see it, for example, the cones are brothers, so if you don't agree then... oh well hopefully it is still good reading. Over and Out._

-story-

Rumble sat at a bench by himself, when three jets stormed in, raring to party. The young blue mech sighed, secretly looked up at hot pink and black femme over the other side - young like him, blue optics that could burn a hole right through your chassis. Rumble fancied her since she arrived just weeks before, but every time he approached her, every word he said came out jumbled, bumbled or just completely a mess.

A rowdy laughter echoed through the mess, originating from the jets: Dirge, Thrust and Ramjet. Pronounced in that order, for they were brothers, oldest to youngest, coolest to hottest. Dirge the awkward silent, Thrust the sassy coward and Ramjet the head-butting liar. Rumble envied the seekers ability, for they had indeed conquered many femme's together, as they claim, but Rumble only wanted one. This one: Fury.

Rumble then had an idea. If they were so successful then surely they could help him?

His idea was set, Rumble marched right over to the much larger cons and punched the saddest in the shin. Dirge complained of a nanite biting his leg, after clearly he saw it was in fact Rumble, so the little mech aimed again but Thrust took his arm and hoisted him high for Ramjet. The concussion jet understood the gist and prepared to give Rumble his biggest head whollop.

'Wait wait...' Rumble said, holding his hands out for peace 'I need advice.'  
>'Advice?' Thrust repeated, shaking the mech in his hand 'What for?'<br>'Fighting?' Ramjet laughed, and high fived Thrust.  
>'Drinking?' Dirge murmured, sipping his Energon casually.<br>'No...' Rumble sighed 'Fury. I am no good with ladies but you are, right? You can help?'

His admittance was in shame and Rumble braced himself for a barrage of laughter. The trine hesitated to answer, each eyed the other and Rumble groaned. Of course they wouldn't share their secrets with him - he wasn't their brother or a seeker. But hope was not all lost when a smile spread across Thrust's face, followed closely by Ramjet and only a small smirk from the eldest Dirge.

'We can help, but be warned" Ramjet said with caution - as if Rumble cared what consequences might occure if it meant he could have Fury begging for his attention.

'You have to take our advice, exactly.' Thrust added as Ramjet nodded, eager to get started.

'As you see or we say it, else no Fury." Dirge said mournfully to Rumble, almost breaking his spark.

'Yes yes. Tell me please!" Rumble begged, hardest he has ever - if he has ever, he can't recall. Thrust placed him on the table between them all.

'First we need... targets.' Thrust said, and spied the room carefully. He spotted a violet and green femme at the centre of a small group, leading them in vigorous conversation, and his red optics expanded with excitement 'Ohh... Yes. Ramjet. You've got Slipstream.'

'Slipstream?' Ramjet repeated nervously, but Rumble thought he's probably just being polite to the little con who needed help - Fury was no Slipstream. 'But I... Slipstream is like dating Starscream... and that-'  
>'We need a challenge!' Thrust nudged Ramjet in the shoulder 'To really show dear little Rumble here our skills.'<br>['Curse you,' Ramjet fumed silently through to Thrust's comms link]  
>'I'm sure you can to woo the opinionated Slipstream.'<p>

'Alright then.' Ramjet sneered, glaring at his brother 'If I have Slipstream. Dirge is having...' Ramjet scanned the room, looking for the hardest con he could find 'eh...' Then he spotted her. A black two wheeler, with flames over her chassis and Ramjet laughed with evil glee 'Flamewar!'

Rumble saw Thrust even stiffened at the mention of the dark natured femme, and Rumble was amazed the brothers were confident they could win both Slipstream and Flamewar, this made Rumble confident he could win Fury with their help for Dirge was earthly cold but Flamewar was pluto cold.

'Really?' Dirge mused, and skulled the rest of his drink. He then stared around the room, hoping to find Thrust's target. He wanted the best and the hardest for the cocksure mech that dared set the level of targets to Slipstream.

Dirge noted many to choose, each harder than the other. He spotted a onyx and gold spider, Blackarachnia, climbing the wall with her sister, Airachnid - both clearly overdosed on HI grade as they shot webs at each other and were hitting everything but their target. Then there was Night Raid, Megatrons current favourite for both tasks against Autobots and the berth.

'Well?' Thrust said, not too patiently waiting for Dirge's choice - Thrust was also following where Dirge looked - worried about his current choices.  
>'Wait.' Dirge answered firmly then he saw a yellow, fuchsia and violet femme drinking alone with an enraged expression over her face. Entreaty, sister to Night Raid, and recently bondless after the death of her love Carbine. She would be impossible - for her processors had one purpose: revenge against Prowl - the Autobot second in command. Just as Dirge was about to speak his choice, another idea popped up and it was much better than Entreaty.<p>

'I have decided...' Dirge said solemnly, and Thrust growled as he knew who Dirge was just looking at. 'Your target will be the Autobot Air Raid.'  
>'WHAT!?" Thrust blurted out loud, causing the room to fall silent and stare at him. Rumble cowered on the table, and Ramjet laughed hard, Slipstream sneered at his outburst, and then continued talking. The rest followed soon after.<p>

'We need to show Rumble our techniques can work on anyone: including them.' Dirge said with a rare grin that spread across his face as he spoke.  
>'Grr!' Thrust couldn't think of anything better to say and instead sulked in his chair.<br>Ramjet slapped Rumble on the back, sending the little mech stumbling 'Now number one lesson is First Impressions!'  
>'Allow Dirge to demonstrate...' Thrust added bitterly.<br>'Frag you...' Dirge snapped, and stood from the table. Rumble watched on eagerly.

-authors note-

_Thanks for reading. I don't know how long this will go but there is at least 6 lessons - which are the main humour - this chapter is a taste. I have introduced a few OC's too as they are just playing background character roles and most likely just for this chapter, so if you don't know who Night Raid, Entreaty, Carbine, or Fury are then that would be why. I am also mixing all Transformer universes in this, as it just makes life easier._


	2. First Impressions

Dating Advice from Dirge Thrust and Ramjet.

Welcome back for round two. Over and Out.

-story-  
>Rumble watched the oldest and coldest of the trio, Dirge, as he strode to his target with a confident poise - that is until he was within arms reach of Flamewar. Then he stood dumbly, as if unsure how to interact but Rumble knew better. He quickly wrote down on the datapad every step the Blue and yellow jet did, down to the awkward scratch of his head.<p>

Flamewar, the femme of infinate patience and equally as long determination, stared with narrowed optics at the mech who dared disturb her solitary state. Her cold brooding nature oozed when she slowly blinked back any frustration that might have been processing through her mind. Dirge took a deep intake of air - every eternal fan worked double speed - to keep his processors from overheating and very carefully side stepped around from Flamewars direct vision. He then turned, without a word and sat down next to her.

Flamewar didn't flinch, her head remained high, unnerving.

Dirge didn't flinch, his hands firmly rested on his knees.

Rumble didn't realise it but he braced himself for an outburst. Air intake took a sharp dive and his enternal wires rattled with nervous antipation. Thurst and Ramjet were the same, disbelieving of Dirge's luck to actually still be sitting next to Flamewar without already being hurled across the room.

Dirge takes a deep gust of air into his cooling system, tests his vocal box with a cough then opens his mouth.  
>'No.' Flamewar said suddenly, her voice cold and without any emotional attachment. Dirge, still staring away from her, as she was him, opened his mouth again.<br>'Stop talking.' Flamewar added unmoving.

Dirge, while only slightly agitated, took another breath only to be cut off again by more typical Flamewar rebuttels. Dirge spied his brothers across the room, both with infuriating grins across their smug face plates, and Rumble - sat eager to catch what next to do. A deep seeded fear began to tug at Dirge's spark. With well learned tact and refinement, Dirge stood up. Slowly at first, but then he spun around suddenly to face Flamewar. She didn't even bother to look up at him. Dirges engines roared with life - just enough to give him sound, not flight. A subtle tilt from Flamewars head, towards his engines proved to Dirge she was curious.

'Don't even-' Flamewar said, emotionless as the first time, but she was prompty cut short as Dirge combined his vocal processors and engine whirls to create the perfect pitch. The grating tune shrieked in echoes throughout the room and the decepticon base - like a poorly played violin was caught in the screaming throat of a human woman dying in agony but refusing to actually die. Let the bitch die already!

Many of the cons in the same room doubled over in fear at the petrifying sound. All except Flamewar.

Flamewar sat, red optics wide in fear and cup in hand, the energon inside shaking with her body and what it was currently experiencing. 'What do you want?' she finally said, her voice edgy and fearful but body refused to collapse in it. 'A date.' Dirdge said bluntly and unfrazzled by the sounds emitted.  
>'Done.' Flamewar said, she didn't even take time to think and in return, Dirge didn't need telling twice. He cut off his engines with a small smirk 'Tomorrow. 1700.'<p>

Rumble gasped with amazement, or relief from the screaching engines. Whatever the reason, Flamewar - intimidating and cruel - agreed, and all Dirge needed to do was strike fear into her spark. The blue little con jotted down this discovery, hardly able to control his excitement. Dirge arrived back at the table in victory. Ramjet laugehd at his methods but Thurst sneered. 'Thats cheating!'  
>'Thats winning' Dirge corrected and sat down. 'Puh' Thrust sniffed and turned to Ramjet 'You're next.'<br>The black and white jet protected 'Why? Why me? You should go, you're older.'  
>'Slipstream is here! Air Raid...' Thrust cringed at the Autoscums name 'He's not here. We'll need to find him.'<br>'Logic. I ought to headbutt it right out of you.' Ramjet stood up from the table, however he didn't approach Slipstream straight away.

Rumble typed down "assess target before approach" right next to "approach with confidence." then he looked up to check what else Ramjet was doing which wasn't much. His advancement to Slipstream was slow -very slow - and cautious, if he could be any slower the turtle would already be married to her with nine kids and a tenth on the way. Rumble had to add to his list 'approach SLOWLY with confidence'.

Ramjet finally stood with the group Slipstream bantered to, pretending to have been there the whole time. A metallic white and powder blue medic looked at him with dark blue optics then she stepped aside so that he could join. Ramjet made a note to headbutt Vista Assist (OC) when he next got the chance. It was only then that Slipstream noticed him and stopped talking.

'What do you want Ramjet?' The green and violet jet snapped and folded her arms. 'I uh...' Ramjet stutted his words, then stepped to the middle of the group, facing Slipstream - his confidents was shot down in flames long ago. 'Get out. I am the centre of this story...'  
>'As morning rays of windswept fire embrace your spirited form...' Ramjet said quickly, his words spoken with a poetic air to that of Shakespears quality 'A raw desire to worship unspoken grace burns long within a spark.'<p>

A few femmes in the circle eyes softened as their sparks melted with his passionate speech. Slipstream also had softened but she wasn't turning to mush just yet. Dirge and Thrust looked at each other, both wondering where the heck this smooth talker came from. But Ramjet pressed on, feeling energised by the awes of the group 'My soul does beat with yearning heat, the hours we spend apart, for your essence of evening stars inlove, thaws this lonely spark.'

Tears swelled in white medics eyes, and the awes of the girls within the circle drew attention from the drunk spider sisters. Blackarachnia approached in a dreaming trance, listening to the words spoken so well. He purple sister sighed and followed her enthralled to say the least.

'A hope of time with you spent once, I'll forever keep at nigh, so dreams of unequal radiance dance evermore within my spark' Ramjet finished with a slight bow and an extension of his hand towards Slipstream. By now the hardened con was melted butter but too shy to take his hand. That is until Blackarachnia sided up to him in a seducing manner 'I'll sh-pend time withs you...' she purred with a slur, tracig a hand across his wings. 'No. Let me... please' begged a khaki off-road femme, War Toil (OC), taking hold of his other arm and trying to draw him away. 'You don't want them...' Airachnid cooed, and climbed onto his back, her spider legs stroking any part they could get - she didn't appear as drunk as her sister. 'You really want me.'

Dirge stared, jaw gaped 'How is that even possible?'  
>'Thats it...' Thrust growled 'I forfeit. If dip-slag gets that response!' Rumble was very impressed and wrote down, the best he could, what Ramjet said, after rereading his words a few times he was confident it was right and good. He then looked up, buzzing to get more information. Fury's not doing to stand a chance when he works his moves and this is only the first impression.<p>

Ramjet wasn't used to the attention and took his hand away from Slipstream to stop Airachnids insistant stroking. His action however looked like he wanted it more and this only enraged the violet and green jet, who screeched her anger. 'Get off him spider slut! ' with force Slipstream took Ramjets hand and dragged him towards her, Airachnid fell off with an angry grumble. 'He spoke about me, not you!' Slipstream added and stepped infront of her cassanova to face the disappointed girls. War Toilsobbed uncontrollably.

Slipstream then turned around to face Ramjet with an arrogant smirk, 'So ... what were you saying about me?'  
>'Would you, the most beautiful con on Cybertron-' Ramjet saw her face fall and corrected his mistake 'Most beautiful femme in all the cyberverse!' (Slipstream smiled) 'Do me the honour, nay the grandest priveldge of accepting my courtship and going on a date with me?'<p>

Slipstream smiled, pretending to be shy and turning away to face her group only to see Blackarachnia held up a score card of 10. 'Alright. Yes.' She said finally, and Ramjet held his head just that little bit higher. Slipstream was still in a lovesick trance when he took her shoulders into his hands and leaned in. Excitement brewed and all her wires came alive, a moment of feeling eternal bliss.

BANG!

'Great!' Ramjet said, right after a precise butt to her head that sent her spiralling 'I'll see you tomorrow night. 1900.' Then he strutted proudly back to his brothers and a cheering Rumble.

Slipstream was left dazed, on the floor. Vista ran over to her and comm'ed to the Medical Bay 'Spectro? You on? Have a casual from Mess 5; Slipstream.'  
>'Mother?' Slipstream mumbled innocently 'Is that you?'<br>'No Slipstream. You have no mother.' Vista answered with a sigh 'Spectro? Who's on, frag it?! Hook? You there? Hooook?!'  
>'Peter Pan?'<br>'...' 'Knock Out?'  
>'Drunk fight?'<br>'Headbutt.'  
>A long sigh came from the commlink 'I'll send a drone.' Knock Out said finally.<p>

'That was flawless!' Rumble chirped, showing Ramjet his data pad 'I got it all! Can't wait to try it.' Ramjet stared down at his sitting brothers, both looked disgruntled at the performance Ramjet pulled off.  
>'Jealous brothers?'<br>'Never.' Dirge said, confident he could do better. Thrust however was not so confident. He slumped over further, hating irony to its very core. 'You're up Thrust.' Ramjet laughed. 'Lets go engage the enemy!'  
>'I hate you all.' Thrust said 'I have no brothers.'<p>

-authors note-  
>This first lesson was longer than I thought. So I've had to split it. Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did writing it.. at work... in a dead quiet office and sniggering or just typing with a huge grin - got a few strange looks. <p>


	3. Dumb Luck

Thunder Cracker prepared for take off, rolling his shoulders, arms and back to to ensure they were all lubricated well. Dirge and Ramjet followed suit both strangely smiling. Thrust brought up the rear with a doom and gloom expression that made even Dirge look happy.

'Whats got your burners smoking?' The blue jet asked, shaking his leg and rolling the joints in it.

'Nothin' Thrust said with a sharp vocal edge which made Thunder Cracker glower at him. Thrust ignored his brooded gaze and roughly rolled his own limbs, hoping if he didn't do it right he would just drop from the sky.

Skywarp sauntered onto the airstrip, followed by a disgruntled Starscream, the latter clearly had better plans than a common Energon raid. As Skywarp passed behind Thunder Cracker, he ran a finger on the blue jet, from wing tip to wing tip and hissed as if the mech was burning hot. Thunder Cracker's glare turned to the purple jet as he passed behind from one side to the other and his anger at Thrust disrespect subsided.

'Hurry up' Starscream shrieked 'When I found out the one who convinced our great leader to send an Energon raid against the Aerialbots, I'll personally delivery them to the enemy with SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED!'

'Ready Commander.' Thunder Cracker said, as he stood behind Starscream, making the right side of the commanders triangle formation. He then transformed into mode.

'You're always ready.' Starscream said will a roll of his optics as Skywarp followed the blue jet, taking Starscreams left side and transforming. 'Dirge, Thrust, Ramjet: Formation already.'

'Yeah yeah' Dirge and Ramjet said in unison. Ramjet took left flank, Dirge centre back, Thrust grumbled some more but then took right flank - each transformed shortly after the other.

'Finally...' Starscream said and transformed.

'WAIT!' Rumble ran as hard as he could to beat the jets take off, familiar datapad in hand. He hated how Soudnwave wouldn't let him go sooner, he had to do his chores! and in doing so almost missed their take off.

'What are you doing?' Starscream said and transformed back into robot mode.

'I'm coming too.'

'Let me rephrase that: What are you doing to help?'

'Soundwave said I am providing data collection of the mission'

'Thats what a mission report is for.'

'But Soundwave said.'

'Oh, Soundwave said. Soundwave said.' Starscream mocked 'How are you getting to the flight spire storage facility? Its on a platform in the sky.'

'Soundwave said you're gonna fly me.' Rumble whined, desperate to get on this mission. He just had to see Thrust in action. If he were as good as his brothers, as he often claimed then Rumble needed it.

'Oh did Soundwave say that?' Starscream seethed at the thought, put a hand to his internal comms and opened a signal 'We'll just see about that'

-in flight-

'Wooohooo' Rumble cheered, in robot form, astride Starscream in jet mode. If Starscream wasn't mad before then he was seriously pissed off now. The hitching mech was eager to start the battle, and asked many questions of the plans for the mission. Starscream was silent however Thunder Cracker provided him the intel. Thunder Cracker admitted he wasn't confident leaving Air Raid with Thrust alone and Rumble chuckled, even conveniently offered to provide support.

'Ladies and Gentleman...' Starscream said out of the blue 'This is your captain speaking. We are about to hit some major turbulence. Please fasten your... oh so sorry...'

'What do you mean?' Rumble asked and looked at the skies 'It looks-WOAH! Hey!' The seeker commander ducked and dived out of formation as if possessed by glitch or fatal virus. The other jets flight never even flinched out of rank. Rumble grumbled 'Hey! Cut it out Screamer! I almost fell off...'

'That was my intention.'

'TARGET SITED' Thunder Cracker called to break the chatter.

'YES!' Rumble said with too much glee before he corrected it with a gruffer voice 'Lets kick some Autobot after burners!'

'Mission plan, stage one seekers...' Starscream bellowed.

Dirge urged his engines to purr with his fatalistic melody, executing stage 1 of the mission plan perfectly. Ramjet however charged forward with pent up energy, knocked Skywarp out of his way and rammed, head first, into a firing Silverbolt.

'No you idiots! I said-'

'Great! We're fragged!' Skywarp screamed as he realised their plan was already slumped, his fear suddenly warped him somewhere at random.

'That's just Prime!' Starscream said and transformed onto the spires platform amid an array of laser fire from the defending Aerialbots. Rumble jumped clear of the commanders land site and scuttled over to a worried looking Thrust - Who was hiding behind a pillar.

'Your time to shine!' Rumble said and pointed to a robot mode Air Raid, hiding behind a defense wall and shooting at the small Decepticon incursion. Thrust watched him carefully, Rumble wrote this down. Thrust sneaked to a defense wall nearby, Rumble wrote this down and then followed. Thrust then managed to get on the side of Air Raid out of his vision. Rumble wrote this down. Thrust looked to a platform above them. Rumble tapped this into the datapad. Thrust stepped outside of the defense wall, Rumble wrote-

'WOULD YOU STOP TYPING!' Thrust yelled down to the little blue mech. Air Raid turned around at the outburst and fired at Thrust who seethed angrily at his constant ill luck. He quickly transformed and jetted away.

'Oh no you don't Decepticon scum!' Air Raid said though reveled in the fact that the con was running 'No-con gives me the slip!' He promptly transformed and took off after Thrust. Rumble stayed well hidden but watched exactly where the flew then typed "Run away so they chase you." right after "Speak words of love and beauty"

The red and black con transformed and landed higher in the spire, where no Autobot was and exhaled in relief. He lost Air Raid half way up, during a cunning double shift. Thrust, rolled his joints calmly but stopped when he heard Air Raid transformed and land nearby. 'Oh for the love of...' A voice piped up through the comms.

'Thrust. It's Rumble-'

'I know its you.'

'Oh right... I have the perfect spy position here. Just keep your comms open for me because I'm out of audio sensor range so I wont interfere with your masterful plan.'

'Oh that's wonderful news...'

'I thought so too.'

Thrust sighed, clearly Rumble didn't get the sarcasm. However a deal was a deal. If Dirge and Ramjet could snare Flamewar and Slipstream, how hard would it be to get Air Raid? A stupid autobot?

Thrust watched as the enemy inched closer, he took a snippet from Ramjets lead and added his own flair, devising the best opening line. With his vocals in loud speaker he called to the Aerialbot on his trail.

'Is that space armour you're wearing?' Thrust asked mockingly.

'What?' Air Raid said, puzzled.

'Because your aft is out of this world!' Thrust jumped onto a crate to reveal his position, hands on hips and an arrogant smirk plastered onto his faceplate.

'Come again?' Air Raid aimed his gun but didn't fire, wanting to give the con the chance to answer.

'Maybe you got a shovel?' Thrust taunted again, proudly. 'Because I am digging that aft!'

'Have you a loose bolt somewhere?'

'Nope' Thrust lied and folded his arms. 'Wish you could see the angles I get when you pin me.'

'Really?' Air Raid asked, intrigued, and unloaded his gun back into his arm. The Aerialbot then jumped onto the crate with Thrust like they were old war buddies.

'You have to cover that aft more often,' Thrust pushed on 'Its a real distraction. You got a skirt or something?' he chuckled at his own insulting joke but Air Raid only stepped closer.

'That depends. You got oil?' Air Raid purred in response, his voice grumbling seductively.

'Yeah...' the con said, obviously he had oil - this Air Raid was a real dumb one.

'Because...' Air Raid said, stepping closer to Thrust 'We're gonna need-' He looked down his enemies body, inspecting every fine feature then returned his gaze back to Thrusts face and added '-A lot of it' spoken with a devious.

'Why?' Thrust asked, more and more this Autobot was talking in riddles and he wondered if Thrust had loose bolts?

'I'll wear the skirt, but you're gonna have to lift it. Nice and slow.' Air Raid sniffed the air and vented it out over Thrust.

[_'Oh Primus!' Thrust thought, fear rising deep within his spark 'Air Raid ...' He exhaled deeply, feeling the Autobots own warm draft against his face 'Air Raid... wears SKIRTS!'_]

'HOLY PRIMUS!' Rumble enthused 'Thrust is a natural!'

'What do you say...' Air Raid whispered near Thrusts audio sensor 'We play your little names game.'

'I'd say you're the one with a few bolts-'

Thrust paused. Air Raid had placed a hand on his chest, tenderly. Very tenderly. Too tenderly. His hand then moved ever so slowly down the cons chassis, Thrust's processors jammed in overdrive. It would appear he hadn't got Air Raids drift earlier. Thrust backed away slow from the teasing hand. Panic rose higher than ever and his instincts to run took over.

'I uhh...' Thrust stuttered 'Gotta... with... primus...'

'Whats the matter Thrust?' Air Raid held up a hand to stop Thrust from leaving, but the con already jumped backwards just before he could get a hold. 'No. Thrust wait!'

'Oh Primus. Oh Primus. Oh Primus...' Thrust cried and ran to the spires edge, Air Raid once again giving chase. Thrust had to get out of there. Fly free. Return home. Anything! So long as he wasnt near Air Raid. Ever again! For once luck was with him. He saw his fellow seekers retreating, Dirge had of course located Rumble - Thrust suspected they both saw his own cowardly retreat but couldn't yet understand their expressions, Rumble might have looked pleased.

The seekers made a hasty retreat, minus Skywarp - who still hadn't been located. Starscream billowed a thick black smoke while Ramjet sparked profusely from his weapons drive. So their mission was a complete disaster, Thrust expected their commander would gloat 'I told you so' for months to come. Dirge, with Rumble riding, sided up to Thrust and laughed.

'That.' he said 'Was awkwardly easy.'

'Jealous Dirge?' Thrust brimmed with pride 'I am a master after all.'

'Why did you fly away?' Rumble asked, tapping furiously into the datapad.

'All a part of the grand scheme...' Thrust lied and that was enough for the little mech.

Air Raid followed the seekers until Silverbolt called over his commslink and ordered his return. Reluctantly he landed back next to their leader, his optics rested solely on the retreating red and black con jet. His spark felt heavy at Thrusts departure, and he sighed sadly.

'Air Raid?' Silverbolt asked 'You don't still have a crush on Thrust do you?'

'Hah!' Air Raid pretended to laugh but chose, respectfully, not to answer him.

-author notes-

**Hope you enjoyed. Sorry for the delay. I only write at work (Mon-Fri) as I didn't have my PC set up but I got a laptop now anyway.**


	4. RAMJET!

_**Welcome back for another round of dating advice from our beloved coneheads... No? Not beloved? Oh well, I like them.I haven't yet gone over this chapter as well as I do the others but hope its all ok.  
>Over and Out.<strong>_

-story-  
>'Step 6;' Rumble said to himself, while sitting at a table with his love instructors 'Strike fear into her spark.'<p>

Mess hall 5 was quieter than normal as the conehead brothers sat silently, for once, while Rumble read over a datapad. Thrust still appeared shaken by the previous days ordeal with the Aerialbot Air Raid - something neither his brothers would ever let down. No matter how hard he tried to get a new target the brothers refused to relent, and called him a coward for trying.

'Step 7; Speak poem of love and beauty.'

As the time of their dates drew nearer, their confidence and backlash against Thrust subsided. Ramjet was particularly nervous and dead quiet, not even feeling the urge to headbutt anyone even though many lower ranking cons dodged this way and that as he approached. Ramjet hadn't heard what happened to Slipstream either, or whether she was still going to the date.

'Step 8; butt her head.' Rumble said proudly, adding exclamation marks.

All three brothers looked at one another and chuckled. At least half their plan was working. Dirge was inclined to laugh, but inside his processors were rattling. His date came first and Flamewar was notorious for awkward silences, more so than he was. He had to prove he could keep her in conversation, or at least prove he can make her have conversation. Subjects were limited with Decepticons.

'Step 9; Tell her sleazy one line-'

'Hey!' Thrust said with agitation, and flicked the datapad from Rumble to the floor 'They weren't sleazy... (Dirge, Ramjet and Rumble stared) ... much'

Rumble jumped off his seat with a grumble and picked up the pad again, this time when he chose to sit between Dirge and Ramjet. 'So what is the next lesson?'

The brothers paused in thought. They hadn't really expected Rumble to still be here by now, he should have stormed off already seeing their bluff. Quite clearly they weren't very good with attracting love, these instances were merely dumb luck and the coneheads doubted they could replicate its questionable success. Ramjet, always the faster thinker, banged his hand on the table - the force rumbled poor Rumble right off his seat and he had to pull himself up yet again.

'Communication!' Ramjet said in victory. Dirge and Thrust agreed, communication was surprisingly smart coming from him but Dirge remained hesitant. He knew this round he would blow all chances of staying ahead of his brothers. 'I vote,' Dirge said casually 'Ramjet go first this time. Since we aren't even sure Slipstreams still coming.'  
>'Why wouldn't she?' Rumble asked, the innocence of it made Thrust's pipes want to hurl. Neither brother chose to answer him though.<br>'Shes still in the infirmary.' Thrust said, giving Ramjet a kick under the table. The black and white cons face plate contorted painfully, but, as soon as Rumble looked, he smiled through throes of pain.

Ramjet stood up muttering hateful terms under his tone as he strode to the exit. The little blue mech followed close behind, eagerly chatting. Dirge and Thrust weren't going to follow, they needed a plan and two coneheads were better than one.

-infirmary-

Ramjet and Rumble entered the infirmary in amid a flurry of medic drones, under graduates and two senior medics barking orders and medical procedures. Both seniors, Spectro and Vista Assist were pouring all their attention into a single black and purple jet lying in stasis lock on a medbed - Vista held onto two canisters of Synth En as Spectro injected red energon into a cable vein of the jet closest to the fading spark. Ramjet looked passed the bustling bots and found in the corner his teal and purple femme, prepared to leave. She hadn't spotted them yet, as she too was busy looking at the emergency patient.

'I'll stand over there,' Rumble said pointing to an empty spot near Slipstream 'and pretend I am gawking too.'

Ramjet took a deep gulp of the stratosphere gases and vented it out slowly. This was his moment. He did alright the first time, and he doesn't have a brotherly audience this round either - this should be easy! How hard could it really be to talk to the love interest? Ramjet was about to find out as he approached her, much the same fashion he did originally. Slowly siding up to her in his discreetest manner - while tripping over a medic drone (which he picked up and banged his head against).

Once next to Slipstream, she realised he was there and promptly turned to him with fists waving in his face 'What do you want Ramjet?' she hissed his name as if it were poison while Ramjet held his hands up in protest, and because he didn't trust her not to strike him in spite.

'Slipstream,' he said carefully again with a poetic tone 'There are as many loving words as there are stars in the sky in which I wish to say to you, my true divine...' Once again Slipstreams anger melted away with his words, even Rumble felt a tug in his spark as the sensitive nature of the con.

'Alas, there are no words yet spoken for your celestial perfection that can do any justice.'

Rumble wrote down all the wording he could catch, though Ramjet went fast so he made mental note to fill it out later. He looked up in time to see Slipstream falling into the Ramjets hypnotic poetry and the jet mech's confidence soared. Slipstream stepped up close to him, clasping her hands together and swinging them back and forth like a young sparkling.

'Ramjet,' She said breathlessly, as the infirmary continued to buzz with frantic medical staff 'I had changed my mind about tonight but now I think I'll change it back.' She then reached for her recently mended head which still bore paint chips but at l;east the metal had been beaten out. 'One hiccup I am willing to overlook. ' She added with a smirk.

'I do have three things to say to you.' Ramjet said and took her hand from her head to pull her in closer to him. Slipstream was hesitant but at least he didn't hold her shoulders - right? 'First...' he said then pulled the femme quickly up close to him - then suddenly feeling very anxious. Slipstream recognised the change in him and jerked her hand away, but all too late.

CRACK!

Not as perfectly square as the first time, but Slipstream still felt the full force of a Ramjet crown pound. Now she knew why the Autobots kept clear of him when he went into rampage. Rumble quickly wrote down the action, not yet sure if a second one would work but what would Rumble know, he wasn't the expert.

'RAMJET!' Slipstream screamed, drawing the attention of the busy medics now as she stumbled to stand properly to deliver her next sentence 'We will never go on a date!'  
>'Two...' Ramjet said, ignoring every bit of her conclusion. Slipstream took no chances; she held her hands up to block her head from more damage infliction but the coneheads strength prevailed. His second hit fell perfect on the mark and . Slipstream fell like a steel crate of scrap metal, woozily muttering 'Never...'<p>

'RAMMJETTT!' A voice cried out above the commotion and the room went silent, with the exception of the senior docs hard at work. The drones stood and looked at a lime green con with a boom pillar, hook and winch over one shoulder and folded arms. 'I just repaired Slipstream!' Hook added, pointed to Ramjet and then to his doorway 'You. Get out of my infirmary!'

Ramjet gingerly stepped back and away from Slipstream, making his way to the door. Rumble followed quickly and laughing that he was ordered out by a medic. Rumble didn't remember much passed the previous week, because if he did he would have remembered Hook was a warrior first.

'So...' Rumble said, while the two walked back to the Mess Hall. 'What was the third thing you were going to say? For the record'  
>'I am still going to say it.' Ramjet chuckled to himself, this was turning out to be a lot of fun - Ramjet was stimulating all his favourite pastimes.<p>

They spotted Dirge and Thrust deep in conversation at a table along with a few other cons scattered here and there. Ramjet sat next to Thrust but remained silent. Thrust raised an optic to him before Rumble jumped onto the table and announced Ramjet is half done and it was half working, but he was eager for the next teacher to begin. Naturally all optics then fell on Dirge who sighed deeply.

'Alright.' Dirge said saddened that he was next 'Lets piss our air commander off again and convince Lord Megatron to approve a air and ground strike? We'll get Flamewar and Air Raid in one sitting?' 'Perfect!' Rumble said, and immediately jumped off the table to inform Soundwave. 'Whooo' Thrust twirled a finger around sarcastically while his monochrome brother stood up and followed Rumble.

-outside the infirmary-  
>Slipstream stretched her arms and legs, happy to be back online and walking free. She muttered angry words to herself, that sometimes mentioned black and white and conehead in the same sentence. She was extremely relieved to have Vista Assist repair her, because Hook took forever and a breem. Even if Vista's hot fix left her in pain.<p>

Slipstream heard on the faintest of winds, a whirring engine. She paused to listen. The roar quickly came closer, far too quickly. Whoever it was they were in vehicle mode and accelerating hard... towards her. Slipstream turned around, guns at aim towards the charging con. She knew she had enemies but surely they weren't that eager to write her off.

'Three!'

The black and white jet made contact, right into Slipstream, after putting his engines into hard burn. The femme howled as she was whisked off her feet and together they crashed against the wall, into a crumpled heap. Ramjet stood up from the crash, after all this was his specialty, and a crash here or there slipped off him like rain. The youngest conehead brother then took Slipstream by her shoulders and hoisted her to eye level.

'Alright!' She screamed in defeat but braced herself for another head butt from the adrenaline pumped jet 'Alright. You win. Again.'  
>'Great talk!' Ramjet said, resisting the urge to bang her into another stasis lock. He did however put her on the ground again, dusted his hands off and walked away with a hint of a skip - he was joined by Rumble and though Slipstream had never seen them the best of buddies, they high fived one another anyway, as Slipstream staggered back into the infirmary to the furious yell of Hook.<p>

'RAMJET!'

_**-Authors Note-**_  
><span><em><strong>Thanks for reading. Again I wasn't expecting the lesson to go so long, but next chapter I promise to have both Thrusts and Dirges together. <strong>_


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